Anonymous
The Spring of 2016 was when I completely lost any and all motivation. Depression had consumed me entirely, leaving me with an overwhelming need to just… disappear: take a sunny vacation away from the dark cloud that seemed to follow me everywhere I went, and live a new, happier, life where homework and obligations weren’t constantly being pelted at me. But instead of a break from my depression, I trudged through the mundane details of weekdays as my depletion continued, only looking forward to partying on the weekends. It was a rare opportunity for me to get away from what I’d been feeling, and pretend like all those dark feelings weren’t really there.
When summer came, I moved with three friends into an apartment that I mistakenly thought I could afford. After moving, I was left with a hoard of questions- How am I supposed to pay rent? How am I going to buy groceries? What the fuck was I actually thinking?! At this point, I was employed as a work-study at one of the dorms on campus; the hours and pay were barely enough to cover my rent, let alone buy my food. I couldn’t ask my parents knowing they were already struggling with money, and I didn’t want to burden my friends by asking them to spare a few hundred for my living expenses. Instead, I nursed my pre-existing depression and empty wallet with a cocktail of anxiety, saltine crackers and bad decisions.
Seeking Arrangements (SA) is a popular app used to find men or women, willing to pay you in exchange for a “relationship”, or what the people on the app prefer to call it, “a professional arrangement.” To me, the app seemed to sugar-coat what really went on in these types of relationships, but nonetheless, I made an account. I received tons of messages from different men around my area, a waning majority of them, much older than I was. A lot of them seemed to want sex, and said that it “could be arranged professionally” (or as professional as sex for money could get.) One guy even offered me $7,500 with a paid flight to his place in Alabama just to have sex with him, as long as I let him have full control.
SA makes it possible for any 20-year-old girl, like myself, to become an escort. Some of the men would stop replying after I’d tell them that I wasn’t interested in selling myself in that way, and really just wanted someone to help me financially in exchange for more mild forms of contact. I’d let them know that I could make great company, go on dates and what not, but crossing the boundary into prostitution was never something that I was willing to do.
With no luck of finding anyone for weeks, I had almost given up hope, but then Keith appeared in my message box one day. He was 54 years old, a white man that wore glasses, and seemed to be very polite through his messages.
He kept repeating how he would be respectful to me, and maybe once we got comfortable enough with one another, I could travel somewhere with him. I told him what I needed, and he told me that he simply wanted my company. I assumed he might’ve been married, but I avoided asking that question. I still wondered, if he was married, why would he seek someone else’s company? Maybe he wasn’t getting the attention he wanted at home? We communicated through email for about three weeks before we actually met in person because he thought that was the safest way to communicate.
He didn’t want anyone from his job (managing a few health affairs departments) to become suspicious. That seemed strange to me, because why would anyone from where he worked get suspicious in the first place? Before meeting Keith, he asked me to send him a list of things I would like from Amazon, and so I did.
A nervous rush ran through my body before I first met him, and not knowing what to expect made me almost back out. We meet around noon by the sidewalk near the apartments I used to live at. He pulled up in a small grey car, and I could see his white hair from where I was standing. He got out of his car as soon as he saw me, giving me a creepy ass smile. However, once we introduced ourselves, Keith didn’t seem that creepy. It felt like I was talking to a sweet older man who was smiley and respectful. In his car, he had some gifts for me: a record player, a beautiful purple tapestry and a new backpack; items I had put on the list for him. As time progressed in our relationship, he shipped more items to my place: books I needed, a vinyl, shoes and a Woodstock shirt because he knew how much I loved oldies rock music. Music was one topic we would talk about often, because it was really the only thing we had in common.
Keith would also ask me to send him normal pictures of myself; for the first one he sent me $150 and I remember freaking out, but also feeling happy and relieved. I finally had money to pay for the things I needed. Throughout our arrangement I probably had sent him four normal selfies at about $100 each.
He appreciated talking to me and wanted to meet up again, this time to go out to eat. That seemed kind of risky for me to be with him publicly, I was scared people would notice something was off, and immediately begin to judge. We had arrived at an Italian restaurant and the hostess took us to our seats, already giving us a sketchy look. Obviously, we didn’t look related in any way.
Keith began to talk about our arrangement, and what exactly would be expected from both of us. I made it clear that I didn’t want anything sexual to go on between us, and he was quite understanding of that request. He did say that he would expect something of me once I was more comfortable with him…I couldn’t bring myself to ask what that expectation was. But part of me knew what he wanted, I was just too afraid to admit it to myself; After contemplating my situation for a bit, I came to the conclusion that eventually, he would get tired of the current state of our relationship. He was trying to gain my trust, give me a few gifts, throw me some cash and hope that enough commodities would eventually convince me to take our relationship to the next level.
Knowing this man was 54 years old, I knew he must’ve had kids. It turned out he had two, a boy and a girl; both whom are much older than me. I remember sitting there thinking, “I am young enough to be your daughter.” Awkward, I know; and weird. Really weird. He showed me pictures of his kids, and the whole time, in my head, I’m thinking, “Shit! What the fuck am I doing making this man my sugar daddy!?” If his kids found out they’d probably feel uncomfortable about our arrangement; even angry. I never built up the courage to ask if he had a wife; I began to feel like I was doing something terrible. I wondered if I was a homewrecker. How could I allow myself to be a part of this destruction? But, how could I pay my bills without Keith’s help?
He asked me about my plans after graduation, and I went on for a while talking about them. I could see the excitement in his eyes and… something else that made me wonder if he was thinking about something more than my future. I knew he really wanted me in a more intimate way. I began to see that he was just like the other men from the site who were seeking to fulfill their sexual desires. But I knew I wasn’t ever going to give him that, no matter how much money was involved. I began to feel uncomfortable, so I asked him questions to distract me from my nauseating thoughts about him. At the end of our date, he asked if it would be okay to give me a hug. I said sure.
The third time we met he hugged me again, but this time he held on a bit longer, and weirdly rubbed my back. I think I made a face without knowing it, because he later apologized for doing that. He could tell I wasn’t feeling it.
Although he gave me the creeps, I thought Keith was very wise and knowledgeable when we discussed academic topics or relationships. Most of our conversations were through email, and since I wasn’t talking to him face to face, I felt comfortable enough to explain my past relationships and even my depression. I admitted to him how I had let drugs take a huge toll on my life for a bit. I was appreciative of Keith for always listening to me. Keith allowed me to open up about my feelings and emotions in ways that I never had. He always made sure I had what I needed, emotionally and physically.
In the back of my mind, there was always this ugly thought that I was taking advantage of this man, and I’d start to feel guilty. He was trying so hard for me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because he truly wanted something out of our relationship. A couple months went by and we’d only met four times in person. Our conversations started to slow down and became less frequent. One day he finally emailed me this:
I immediately knew this had to stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about his wife; what if she found my address and came to my apartment to strangle me? I didn’t write to him for a while, and didn’t think I ever should again. He later contacted me, but this time through a different email to tell me our arrangement was benefiting me more than him…
“I’m writing to let you know that I’m questioning whether this “arrangement” is actually working out. I believe it’s been beneficial for you, but it seems your schedule is so demanding that there is little time left over for your company for even a regular lunch “date.” Consequently, I believe there isn’t truly a mutual benefit. Trust me, I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit over the last several days. I can also understand why I would be considered a lower priority relative to school, family, friends and other activities. I do get that, but, at the same time “arrangements” are set up, I believe, to alter those priorities a bit. To be blunt, arrangements set up through the SA site are very much like a business agreement. And I feel like my end of that business agreement / benefit is falling somewhat short.”
We agreed to end our arrangement. He gave me a little over a thousand dollars throughout our relationship, not including all the stuff he bought me. I understood it was unfair because I never gave him what he wanted. I apologized for not being the sugar baby he had hoped for but thanked for him helping me when I truly needed it. Once in a while he will still send me an email to check up on me, and make sure that I am doing alright.