Twenty-twenty 

I’m floating in the ocean. Alone and feeling lonely. Even with the fish circling and grazing my wavering feet. 

I’m thinking about how I got here from where I used to be and where exactly I’m going next. In brutal honesty between you and me, it was approximately four years ago when I wanted to kill myself.  

I never thought I’d reach this moment in my life. I didn’t ever think I’d make it as far as I have. I would have never predicted ending up with the girl who’s relaxing by the crashing waves behind me where the sun is slowly saying goodbye for the day. 

My open thoughts stimulate my emotions like signals to nerves. So sensitive yet so invigorating. I feel like a small, abandoned island beside an enormous glowing paradise. 

As I drift farther out to foreign blue with expanding ripples bordering me, I can visualize their familiar faces. Their friendly smiles. They look happy, although they appear younger. 

I’ve known my best friend Paul since the 2nd grade; he was in the grade below me when I met him at the local playground. We became comrades immediately after he nicknamed me Star Kid. I consider him my favorite buddy because nobody can make me laugh as much as he does. It seriously feels like a punch to the gut every time a joke naturally comes out of his mouth, which is quite often. Now I hardly ever see him. He has a third kid on the way. I miss the guy every day, but I have to understand he is a working man who’s trying to get by while supporting his family. I just can’t help but remember all the childhood memories we shared together and the visions we’d talk about that still, unfortunately, remain dreams. My other best friend, Dave, recently moved away to another city with his new girlfriend. It seems like just yesterday when there were years and years of him being homeless and on his own which permitted me to take him in because I didn’t want the streets to. When I had severe depression and suicidal tendencies, he took me into his embrace every time life was too much to handle. He’s socially different from most people which is probably why my other friends can’t reasonably get along with him at occasional gatherings. If only they knew the person I’ve grown to know through every lengthy philosophical conversation we’ve had before he departed. We’ve stood by each other through tough situations since we met as junior high teens. That dude would give his life for me, and even though I wouldn’t want him to, he’d frequently remind me otherwise because you don’t come across brotherhood that often. As for me, I don’t want to waste another minute not living from being stuck in my own mental cage of a mess. I’ve been in a constant battle with my friend and foe called nostalgia, which has prevented me from moving on from people and, most importantly, my old self. I believe I’m barely beginning to comprehend who I really am, culturally and individually. I have to credit my significant other because without her, I’d be the narrow-minded, stubborn boy who’d deal with the same internal demons that shamefully consumed me. She has carried me through thick and thin, and it makes me content that she’s accepted Paul and Dave as her friends too. The three of us have come a long way since then, especially from our similarly poor upbringing and family dysfunction. Now that we’ve learned how to minimalize our problems, the one thing we have left is the struggle of growing up because we don’t want to grow up. So, the only answer we think of is that we can only truly commence becoming adults by essentially separating from each other. 

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life these days. The vast deep tastes salty and is making my figure shrivel. I stare straight and see nothing at the end of the horizon as sea foam fizzles out around me. My mind is tempted to tell my body it can stop treading water, letting it be submerged and allow myself to drown. It thinks the edge of the Earth is simply a worldwide waterfall where I’ll eventually meet my descent. 

Then again, I know I’ve arrived in the future where it is time to become an adult. When I can finally give that suicidal teenager the satisfaction of killing himself after all these years because this newborn man is ready to face inevitable change. 

Paul once said, “just because you can’t see your friends it doesn’t mean they’re actually gone.” I never knew such a basic statement can take a meaningful toll on my life among the depths of the unknown. 

My sour tears escape and stream down my cold cheeks to mix with the murky water. Sometimes I feel like I lived longer than I was supposed to; that’s why I always feel lost nowadays. Caught in limbo. 

I beg God for a sign, so I don’t have to ponder anymore. 

Suddenly, a $20 appears in front of me a few feet away, flat out buoyant at the seawater’s surface. It looks more real than a hallucination. I hesitate for a second until I quickly swim towards the wet paper and snatch it. 

I paddle back to shore where my girlfriend is still sunbathing on her sand mat. With the sunset in the background, I’m dripping as I approach her.  

“Let’s go eat,” I suggest. “My treat.” Out of breath but steadily catching it, feeling alive again.