The Self-Doubt Within Artists

During meditation, the mind wanders into a flood of endless thoughts. It gives direction and is yet directionless. However, for Leonardo Jaden De Jesus, moments in the stillness of meditation are used as a medium and inspiration for his art. De Jesus is a studio art sophomore at the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley. While in his last year at Harlingen High School in Harlingen, Texas, he started taking art seriously. He did not doubt studying it, as his interest in the fluid motions in animation drove him to the decision. 

What causes him to seek mediation, also affecting many artists, is burnout. Artists may spend several days or weeks on a project, whether it is for a deadline or to push themselves. Although the deadline is met, fatigue and constant routine create a disinterest in the art medium. 

“If I have these opportunities in front of me, [and] I should take them. But doing that repeatedly… eventually could burn you out,” De Jesus said. “I’ve had trouble with that before where I just kind of do too much. It gets done, but the aftermath is… I don’t want to do any of it, and I start to feel bad that I’m not doing what I love. It just becomes a big spiral.”

Another thing affecting artists is imposter syndrome, or what psychologists commonly refer to as impostor phenomenon. Around 70 percent of people may face it once in their lifetime, according to a paper published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science. “Anybody creative, when do you not feel like an imposter,” De Jesus said. “You’ll submit something or show something off on social media, and then you start thinking ‘why would anybody want to see this?'” 

This happens to De Jesus when he talks about his art, especially when someone wants to purchase a piece or commission him. While producing the work, he’ll question “why would anybody want something I made,” De Jesus added while laughing. 

The artist tackles these thoughts by trusting the process, comparing it to birth. He describes art he makes as children saying, “what comes from the process of birth is beautiful, but the process is not pretty.” 

Moreover, De Jesus went to Austin with friends Andres Ruiz and Sharon Olguin during Spring Break, seeking inspiration. With his sketchbook, De Jesus and his friends made their way to their Airbnb, not too far from the University of Texas at Austin. The group planned to visit the Jack S. Blanton Museum of Art, which was located at the university. De Jesus got a recommendation from Rigoberto Gonzalez, a lecturer of Art at UTRGV, to visit the museum. 

The Blanton Museum of Art is one of the largest university art museums in the United States with 189,340 square feet devoted to temporary exhibitions, permanent collection galleries, an auditorium, a shop, and a café to name a few.

“I was at the museum for probably, two, maybe three hours,” De Jesus said. “If you ask me, I could spend all day in there. I can’t imagine the opportunity to have that museum on your campus, and it’s free … you would never see me because I would be in there … studying or doing something in there.” 

The UTRGV artist hopes the university considers building something similar to the museum as it could bolster art education. 

“A quick assignment could be ‘go find a painting, sculpture, something that you like and study it, maybe recreate it, do a master copy of it,’” Jesus said. “You bring it in, and then you can explain … where it’s from … what time it was made. [Students] both work on our skills and we learn about art history.” 

Out of the many works in the museum’s collection, Saint Cecilia by French painter and draughtsman Simon Vouet, stood out to De Jesus as he took an interest in the figure’s gesture and face and was drawn to study it. De Jesus sketched the 52.7 inches by 38.6 inches oil painting for memorabilia and a study. 

After his trip to Austin, De Jesus learned passion and relaxation. 

“With this trip, I did want to draw … but I also wanted to make it a point to take it as my vacation,” the artist said. “It’s my spring break. [Thought] ‘I want to relax; I have my friends [and] I want to hang out with my friends and just kind of enjoy myself.’” 

On March 5, the artist got accepted for the undergraduate program at the New York Academy of Art, a private art university located on 111 Franklin St, New York, NY. The program takes place during the summer.

“I was granted this opportunity solely just on what I do,” De Jesus said. 

Although this gave the artist another case of imposter syndrome, he remembers a quote from author Juliette Aristides. 

“In our hearts climate, historical education and our training are often considered antithetical to genius,” De Jesus recited off his phone. “Rising artists are frequently expected to tap their knowledge directly from the ether, disconnected from history and labor. However, when the instincts of the edge of individual are elevated above education, the artist can become stuck in a perpetual adolescence, where his passion outstrips his ability to perform. A far more powerful art form is created when artists seek to first master the craft of art and then use it to express their individuality. As a British painter sir Joshua Reynolds said in 1767 rules are not the fetters of genius. They are the fetters of men with no genius.” 

What the artist takes from the quote is not allow himself to act “big headed”, to follow his passion and to master his skills by respecting the rules of art. 

“In my art education, I’m very much still learning the rules of it,” De Jesus said. “Once you master the rules, that’s when you can kind of take and apply whichever rules, you’d necessarily feel would work the best for your expression.”